Coping can be defined as "the ability to deal effectively with and handle the stresses to which one is subjected." (Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary) It involves facing the problems of chronic illness in such a way that you are able to enjoy a measure of control and peace of mind. And in view of the fact that chronic illness is a family affair, the family is needed for the family to cope successfully. Lets us consider some of the ways families cope with chronic illness.

The Value of Knowledge
It may not be possible to cure the disability, but knowing how to cope can minimize the mental and emotional impact of illness. This is in harmony with an ancient proverb that notes: "A man of knowledge is reinforcing power." (Proverbs 24:5) How can a family gain knowledge about how to cope?

The first step is to find a communicative and helpful doctor, one who is willing to take the time to explain everything carefully to the patient and the family. "The ideal doctor," observes the book A Special Child in the Family, "cares about the whole family as well as having all the necessary medical skills."

The next step is to keep asking specific questions until you understand the situation as well as you can. Remember, however, that when you are with the doctor, it is easy to get flustered and forget what you wanted to ask. One helpful suggestion is to write down question in advance. In particular, you may want to know what to expect from the illness and the treatment and what to do about it.

"Questions that a Family Can Ask a Doctor"

• How will the illness develop, and with what outcome?

• What symptoms will there be, and how can they be controlled?

• What alternatives are there for treatment?

• What are the possible side effects, risks, and benefits of the different treatments?

• What can be done to improve the situation, and what should be avoided?

It is particularly important to provide adequate information to the sibling of a chronically ill child. "Explain what is wrong from the earliest days," recommends one mother. "They can easily feel pushed out of the family circle if they do not understand what is happening."

Quality of life also includes the ability to show and receive love, to enjoy pleasurable activities, and to sustain hope. Patients would still like to enjoy life to the extent that their illness and treatment will allow. A father whose family has coped with illness for over 25 years explains: "We love the outdoors, but because of my son's limitations, we can't go on hikes. So we do it differently. We go to outdoor places that don't require strenuous activities."

Patients retain abilities that enable them to derive a degree of satisfaction from life. Depending on the nature of the illness, many can still appreciate beautiful sights and sounds. The more they can feel in control of various aspects of their life, the more likely they are to have a reasonable quality of life."

Handling Difficult Emotions
An essential part of coping involves learning how to control harmful emotions.
One of these is anger. According to one reference work, anger "can eat away at you and make you bitter or lead you to say hurtful things you later regret." Even one outburst of anger can cause damage that may take a long time to repair. If we can take steps to settle our "provoke state" speedily so that we do not continue to do damage to ourselves and others. And you are better once you have calmed down.

Like any family, yours will no doubt experience highs and lows. A husband and wife's comments. (wife) "I did not feel angry, I felt a form of disparity, not knowing the unknown, and than to find out eventually both our children where in need of a kidney transplants" (Husband) "It was important knowing that the doctors knew what they where doing so that we could reassure our children of the matter. Knowledge is so important".

Many find that they cope better when they can confide in one another or in someone else who is compassionate and empathetic. This was certainly Henu's experience. She first cared for her mother, who had cancer, and later for her husband, who suffered from chronic depression and eventually Alzheimer's disease. She admits: "It became a source of relief and comfort for me when I could speak with understanding friends." Teresa, who cared for her mother for two years, agrees. "Talking to an honest friend." She says, "helped me keep my balance."

Do not be surprised, though, if you cannot hold back the tears as you talk. "Crying releases the tensions and pain, and helps you work through your grief, says the book A Special Child in the Family.

Maintain a Positive Attitude
Modern researchers have noted that patient's expectations-whether negative or positive-often tend to influence the outcome of their treatment. How though, can a family remain optimistic in the face of a long-term illness? While not ignoring the illness, families cope better when they focus on things that they are still able to do. " The situation can make you totally negative," admits on father, "but you have to realize that you still have so much. You still have life, one another, and your friends.
Although chronic illness is not to be taken lightly, a healthy sense of humor helps to prevent a spirit of pessimism. Henu's younger brother, explains: " Because we have learned to cope with certain situations, we can laugh at things that happen to us that others might seem very upsetting to others. But doing so really helps to relieve the tension."

How You Can Be Supportive
Some people refrain from visiting or offering help because they do not know what to say or how to handle the situation. Others may tend to be over bearing and, by imposing what they consider to be helpful, may add to the pressure a family is feeling. How, then, might one be supportive of those having a chronically ill family member without interfering with their privacy?

Listen With Empathy
Show concern by being a good listener and allow a family member to unburden themselves if they want to speak. They maybe more incline to do so if they sense that you have 'fellow feeling." Keep in mind that no two individual or families respond to chronic illness in the same way.

Offer Practical Help
While being sensitive to the family's needs for privacy, be available to them when they really need you.

Pray With Them
At times, there may be little or nothing of practical nature that you can do. However, a few things are encouraging sharing and upbuilding scriptural thought or a heartfelt prayer with the families. Never underestimate the power of prayer for -and with-the chronically sick ones and their families. Yes the right kind of support can do much to help the families cope with the stress of chronic illness.